


I try so loud to love you. You cannot seem to hear

by dat_carovieh



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: A little, Anal Sex, Angst, Bathtub Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, F/M, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Gentle Sex, Geralt has so many emotions, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Hate Fuck, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier/Valdo Marx, Jaskier/two female OCs, M/M, Pining, Public Sex, Straight forward Jaskier, Torturing, can't be more obvious, emotionally hurt jaskier, give the boy a threesome, he deserves it, just some angry bard sex, slowish burn, so much pining, teaching Jaskier, totally not secret pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:54:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dat_carovieh/pseuds/dat_carovieh
Summary: Jaskier is in love with Geralt and he is not subtle about it, not at all.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 114
Kudos: 223





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Over the course of the fic bigger time jumps will happen, I signify Jaskier's age at the beginning of each chapter.
> 
> The title is from the Song "The unwanted Animal" from Joey Batey's Band The Amazing Devil. You can check them out and buy their latest album [here](https://theamazingdevil.bandcamp.com/album/the-horror-and-the-wild).

_1249, Age 20_  


  


When Geralt and Jaskier had started to ride today, they didn’t have a destination in mind. There wasn’t really a destination to reach for Geralt. He went out, he killed monsters, he got coin, repeat. Nothing to work up to in the long run. It’s not like he would be able to rid the world of monsters for good one day. Sometimes there were short term goals, when he was called somewhere to get rid of something in particular. This day was not like that, they had just gotten onto the backs of their horses and followed the path trailing through the woods to see where it would lead them.

  


Jaskier didn’t care where they were going. He just enjoyed being on the road, having adventures, singing about them, and most importantly being with Geralt. From the first moment he laid eyes on the Witcher, he had been fascinated with him. He hadn’t even realized what he was at first, but Geralt had radiated something that had pulled Jaskier right in. In the two years they now had known each other, his fascination had stayed, and even grown, into something much more. It was hard to love a Witcher, but that wasn’t something, that would stop Jaskier. He hadn’t fallen in love right away; it had been a slow process. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment he had fallen in love with Geralt. It had been a lot of small moments. But suddenly he had realized, Geralt was the only one he wanted and he would fight for him, as long as he could.

Jaskier was a good rider, he had been on horseback from a very young age. His parents had always emphasized how important it was, that he knew how to present himself. Since he was from noble birth. They hadn’t planned for him to hit the road as a traveling bard. He didn’t want to think about what they would think if they knew who he was traveling with. He was holding his lute, playing some tunes and humming along, to see how they sounded. Occasionally he took out his notebook to write something down. Pegasus just followed Roach so he didn’t have to hold the reins or pay much attention.

He looked over to Geralt, who’s eyes were looking over the path in front of them. His white hair moving in the wind. Yes, that was something he could use in this new song, he decided and scribbled it down. It looked soft and clean for a change and it’s flow in the wind was quite nice. Wouldn’t be clean for long probably, as soon as the Witcher would dive into the guts of another monster, it would be dirty again. For now Jaskier wished that he could touch it, comb it and braid it. Not that Geralt would ever let him. So, for now he contented himself with writing about it. At least songs about unrequited love brought in good coin.

When Jaskier looked up again he could see a small hut between some trees. It seemed like someone wanted to live away from town on their own. Geralt looked over, while they went past, but didn’t seem to give much thought to it. Neither did Jaskier who had returned to his lute. After they had just passed it, Jaskier heard the door thrown open and someone running out.

“You’re a Witcher, right?” a man yelled. Geralt stopped and turned around in the saddle.

“Please, I need your help.”

Geralt jumped out of the saddle and turned around, leading Roach by the reins. Jaskier did the same and followed the Witcher.

“Yes, I am a Witcher,” he said, eyeing the man. “Who are you?”

“I’m Oliver, this is my home, mine and my families. Please can you help me?”

“I will see what I can do, what’s going on?”

“It’s my daughter, I think she has been cursed. She went out into the woods and didn’t come back for two days and when she finally did, she was changed. Not at first, but in the morning, she started to get aggressive, she tried to bite me. And she couldn’t stand the sun, fled into a dark corner when the sun came up. I know you normally kill monsters, but I also heard stories about Witchers lifting curses, like with Foltest’s daughter.”

“Where is she now?” Geralt asked. The man looked to the ground like he was ashamed.

“We had to contain her. She had already bitten and scratched her mother, so we tied her up in the basement. I bring her food regularly, she eats it. I don’t even know if she understands, when I’m talking to her or if she recognizes me.”

Geralt nodded: “How long has she been like this?”

“A couple of weeks now.”

“Geralt, we need to help that man. Do you think you can help him?” Jaskier said, looking over to Geralt. He felt so sorry for him, it had to be hard to see his own child like this.

“I don’t know, maybe. I’d have to take a look first.” He looked back to Oliver. “Lead me to her.”

Jaskier clutched his lute and followed them. The hut was small, with few furniture. A stove, a table, a cupboard, and a door, which probably led to the bedroom.

“My wife left. She couldn’t deal with it. She acted like Isabel had died. Isabel is our daughter. She looked at her and told me, that’s not our daughter and wanted me to kill her. I can’t kill my daughter.”

“Of course not,” Jaskier assured him. “But now we’re here and we’re going to help.”

“Jaskier, we don’t know that. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep,” Geralt growled.

Oliver opened a trap door and climbed down a ladder. Geralt and Jaskier followed. There on the other side of the small basement was a girl tied to the wall. About six years old. She growled like an animal and pulled on her chains. She looked like a normal child, except her eyes, they were brown like her father’s, but they had an unnatural glow. Oliver threw some meat at her, which she took and ate at an astonishing speed.

“She’s calmer, when she has eaten,” he explained.

Geralt approached her carefully, a silver chain in his hand. She had the body of a child but her strength seemed to be a lot more than one. As Geralt came closer she pulled at her chains and hissed at the Witcher. Geralt pulled a piece of cloth out of his pocket and took two quick steps. Isabel snapped at him, tried to bite him, but Geralt seemed to have expected that and had her bite on the piece of cloth. He tied it together behind her head so she couldn’t bite anymore. She tried to claw at him, but couldn’t reach him, due to the chains.

“I need to open the chains now. Can you give me the key?” Geralt asked. Oliver looked shocked by the mention of releasing the girl but he got the key from a cupboard next to him. Geralt pressed the girl against the wall to give her the least possible moving space. He held her wrist and opened the first lock. She immediately tried to scratch him, but he could hold her back. She was still just a child, a strong one, but no match for a Witcher. As Geralt released the other arm, she got it free and managed to scratch him in the face, deep enough for blood to come out. Geralt caught both of her arms, turned her around and pressed her to the ground, her arms held on her back. Geralt got the silver chain and wrapped it around her, making sure it went only over the clothes, so it wouldn’t burn her. It was only meant as a precaution. But Jaskier could see where the chain touched her hand for a second and made her flinch. So, she did react to the silver.

“I will bring her outside and I assume, the sun will force out whatever is possessing your daughter. If your daughter is still in there, she should be like she was before,” Geralt explained.

Oliver looked scared. “You said should. You are not sure?”

Geralt picked up Isabel and tried to hold her as steady as possible so she couldn’t claw at him or kick him.

“I can’t be absolutely sure, but if someone has been cursed and is then avoiding the sun it’s normally the curse that makes them do that, because the curse is in charge of the body,” Geralt explained.

Oliver sighed. “Ok, then do it,” he said. Geralt threw Isabel over his shoulder and climbed the ladder quickly. Since he wasn’t holding her in place anymore, she started to fight him and was able to get a grip on Geralt’s hair. Jaskier saw him wince, but he continued to climb up. It was always impressive to him how Geralt ignored stuff like that and kept doing whatever he was doing. Happy to get out of that basement Jaskier climbed up behind Geralt and as he emerged the Witcher was already outside. He could hear the girl’s screams, despite the gag in her mouth. She was kicking and screaming, trying to get inside again, but Geralt didn’t let her, until she sunk down to the ground. Her breathing was heavy. Geralt let her go, loosened the chain and the gag. Her eyes looked normal now and she started to cry. Geralt gently stroked her hair. Jaskier was captivated by how gentle Geralt could sometimes be. Especially with children or other weaker people. He looked at him in adoration, not understanding why so many people hated him. He should include that in his song, he decided.

After Geralt had assured him that the curse had been lifted, Oliver ran to his daughter and hugged her tight, crying.

  


In the late afternoon, they found a small town and an inn, willing to give them a cheap room. Before going down to get some food, they spent some time in their room and Jaskier managed to finish his song. He wanted to play it to Geralt but he was a bit nervous. He was sure the Witcher already knew about his feelings but he had never told him. He had never been one to hide his feelings so he shouldn’t start now.

“Geralt, I’ve written a song for you,” he announced and plucked the strings of his lute.

“You’ve written a lot of songs about me,” Geralt retorted.

“Please listen to it,” Jaskier asked. Geralt sat down and looked at him.

Now he wasn’t too sure about this anymore. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that the song was about Geralt, it would still be obvious, but not that much.

He took a deep breath and started to sing his new heartfelt ballad, praising Geralt’s face, the golden eyes, the white and soft hair, his big heart, how he just wanted to help that man they had met earlier. How much he adored the Witcher. He didn’t know what he had expected, but he surely had not expected Geralt to not react at all. The only sound he made was his typical: “Hmmm”, before he suggested to go down to the tavern and get some food and beer. There was a knot in Jaskier’s stomach. He didn’t know what to do with that absolute non-reaction. But Geralt’s unchanged behavior was better than if he had gotten angry or sent him away.

Even though Jaskier was sure that Geralt also had feelings for him. He always knew stuff like that. He could sense it in the way someone acted, could see it in peoples’ eyes, even when they tried to hide it, he had always been able to see. And he also saw it in Geralt. That’s what had given him the confidence to make that move. He hadn’t expected him to fall down at his feet and confess his love. That wasn’t Geralt. It would probably take time and work and he was ready to invest both, because he had never before met anyone like Geralt. He had had many lovers; he had fallen in love so many times but never like that. Never that hard.

He followed Geralt down, to get something to eat and maybe play a song or two, but he actually just wanted to be alone right now and would probably go to bed early.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1250, Age 21_

It had been a hard couple of weeks for the both of them. They had traveled through some towns but it seemed no one had work for a Witcher. At least Jaskier had been able to earn some money, but it wasn’t always enough to pay for a room. So, they had camped outside a lot to save the money for rainy days and food. Because of that, when someone approached them about a monster, Geralt had agreed even without knowing what the contract would be. It turned out to be a Wyvern that had attacked the townspeople several times already. First, they had been told it was a dragon and Geralt wanted to refuse, because he didn’t fight dragons. But after a couple of questions, he realized, it was a Wyvern. That was still a pretty dangerous contract but since it was Geralt’s job, he had agreed. They also really needed the coin.

Jaskier was of course really worried about letting Geralt go alone and had absolutely refused to stay at their camp. The whole way to the mountain where the Wyvern lived, Geralt had tried to convince him to stay back, but that hadn’t stopped Jaskier. He had finally agreed to wait at the foot of the mountain, while Geralt followed the path up. Jaskier could watch him walk up, Geralt didn’t have to go far and Jaskier saw the Witcher chuck back a potion before he vanished in a cave.

Shortly after, he heard a screech and Geralt stumbled out again. Jaskier had originally planned to work on a new song while he waited, but he couldn’t concentrate now. It was clear that it was not going to be an easy fight for Geralt. He had to put all of his strength into blocking the attacks of the beast. Jaskier clutched his lute, his heart pounding fast in fear. Geralt’s silver sword hit the creature’s leg, he made a pirouette and struck again, hitting its chest. But it didn’t seem to be a deep cut. The Wyvern wailed loudly and dove down, this time.

Geralt wasn’t able to block the quick attack and stumbled backwards. Jaskier gasped and tightened his grip around his lute. Geralt was able to collect himself and block the next strike. He jumped and placed another cut on the creature’s belly. The momentum carried him a bit further and now he had turned his back to his opponent. The Wyvern took that opportunity and hit Geralt in the back. This whole thing was not good for Jaskier’s nerves. Geralt struggled to get up again but he raised his sword again and he hit the head. It was not deadly but the Wyvern seemed not to be able to fly anymore and was now sitting in front of the Witcher, still trying to hit the Witcher with its claws. Normally Geralt would have been easily able to defeat an injured opponent like this, but he was injured himself. He took another hit and fell to the ground. As the Wyvern bowed down and tried to bite the Witcher’s head off, Geralt was able to hit it with Aard. He got up and rammed his sword through the head of the staggering monster. It seemed to finally die, but Geralt had fallen to his knees and it fell on Geralt’s body.

Jaskier jumped up immediately and started to run towards Geralt, to see what had happened. As Jaskier arrived, Geralt had managed to push the Wyvern mostly away, Jaskier grabbed the dead body and pulled it off Geralt completely. He still thought it was disgusting, but nearly three years of traveling with a Witcher had toned that down a lot. So, he was able to ignore all the blood and whatever else was spilling out of the beast. He fell to his knees next to Geralt and tried to see how injured he was. On his chest was a big slash, the armor had been broken and he was bleeding a lot. His skin was still pale and the eyes black from the potions.

“Can you get up?” Jaskier asked. Geralt allowed the bard to pull him up. Jaskier was thankful for the potions because he had to get Geralt down the mountain and back to camp. With these injuries Geralt would probably not be able to walk if he hadn’t still been on them.

“We need the head,” Geralt said and held himself up by Jaskier’s shoulder. Jaskier sighed.

“Give me your knife.”

“What?” Geralt asked, confused.

“You can barely stand, I don’t think you can get the head off, now give me the knife,” he said and held out his hand.

Geralt got his knife out of his belt and put it into the bard’s hand. Jaskier sighed again as he stepped up to the monster. He was a damn bard, cutting of monster heads was not part of the job description. But without it as proof, they wouldn’t get any money and Geralt was in no condition to do that himself. He closed his eyes as he went down on his knees and started cutting. It was disgusting and three years back, he would have probably vomited upon hearing the noises the knife made while cutting through the flesh and the sight of all the blood and the smell in general.

Finally, they were on their way back to the camp. The head was wrapped up in a piece of fabric. Geralt had too much of his weight put on Jaskier’s shoulder, who was now carrying a Wyvern head and more of a Witcher then he had ever wanted to.

Back at the camp, he instructed Geralt to lie down and stay. His eyes had begun to gain back their golden color.

“One day, you will get yourself killed out there. You told me to stay here but who would have carried you back if I did? Stupid Witchers,” he muttered, as he got healing supplies out of Roach’s saddlebag. Geralt had already started to take off his armor but it was obvious that he struggled with it. Jaskier dropped to the ground next to him and helped him. He pulled Geralt up a little to take off his shirt. Jaskier bit his bottom lip, as he saw the injuries like that. The cuts were really deep and if he had a human heartbeat, he would probably already have bled out. It hurt him to see that. When that healed, Geralt would have even more scars. He didn’t mind the way the scars looked, but knowing where they came from made him hate them. It reminded him of how often Geralt got hurt. Over time he had learned a lot about treating injuries and so he got to work. Cleaning the wounds with a clean rag, putting healing potions on the wounds and finally sewing the skin back together, before he made Geralt turn around to tend to the injury on Geralt’s back. He finally wrapped Geralt’s upper body in a lot of bandages.

“As soon as we are in town, you will have a healer look over it,” he decided, not allowing any objections. Geralt didn’t try, he just propped himself up onto his elbows and looked at Jaskier.

“Thanks,” he said quietly and smiled slightly at the bard. Suddenly Jaskier’s worries were drowned by a warm and happy feeling. It was nearly embarrassing how easy it was for Geralt to make him feel flustered. He had put away the supplies and was now sitting down next to Geralt again.

“I was so worried today, that was a close call. There are some monsters you shouldn’t take on alone. I don’t want to lose you” he explained.

“Hmm.”

“You do know that I love you, right?” he asked. “I really am scared, that one day you will go off to hunt a monster and not come back.”

The answer was just another “Hmm.”

Jaskier lifted his hand to stroke Geralt’s cheek. Just as he touched the skin, that now wasn’t as pale as before anymore, Geralt grabbed his wrist and pulled it away.

“Don’t Jaskier. You know, Witcher’s don’t feel things like that.”

Jaskier turned away and got up. He knew it was a lie. Geralt had feelings he just couldn’t deal with them. He didn’t want Geralt to see his face, didn’t want to show him how hurt he was by that. He held back his tears, like he always did and started to pack their things, to take mind off his pain.

On their way to town, Geralt acted the same as always. He didn’t mention what had happened before and Jaskier was thankful for it. He held his head high, like he always did, with a smile on his face, drowning his bad feelings. This evening they would have a nice room and he could play in a tavern where he would hopefully make some people happy. He could make the fight into a nice song. Maybe with some minor adjustments. And who knew, maybe he would even find someone to share the bed with for the night.

Geralt had insisted getting their coin first and since he seemed to feel alright, Jaskier had agreed. The money they got would be able to get them through the next two or three weeks. It would last even longer if Jaskier could earn some money in the evenings. But he wondered if it really was worth Geralt risking his life frequently. They could find different sources of income. But he knew Geralt wouldn’t give the monster hunting up.

After they had gotten the reward, Jaskier had dragged Geralt to the healer, they were now finally able to afford a service like that and they should really use it. Geralt didn’t object. The healer was impressed with Jaskier’s work. He cleaned the wounds again and gave them some potions to help the healing process. With that and Geralt’s quick healing he should be fine in only a couple of days.

The room was nice, the bed comfortable, the beer strong and the food good. Amazing what some coin could do for them. Jaskier enjoyed the evening a lot and Geralt seemed to do so too. At least he was not complaining.

Jaskier returned to their room late. He had met a woman who was ready to take him to her room with him. She was nice and beautiful; her smile was breathtaking and she even made him forget Geralt for a while. When he returned, Geralt was awake and eyed him with a grim look, before he turned around and ignored Jaskier, who fell down on their bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1251, Age 22_

Jaskier had been invited to play at the court of King Foltest of Temeria. It would earn them a lot of money and two nights in the Kings luxurious quarters so there was no way Jaskier would refuse that offer. Geralt didn’t want to go but as the King had learned that Jaskier was traveling with Geralt, he had requested the Witcher’s presence personally. Jaskier was happy about that because he feared to run into some of the people he had bedded before, not always leaving in the best terms. And even worse, people whose wife, daughter, son or other relatives he had bedded. Attending with a Witcher seemed like a good idea to not get beaten up and he was thankful he didn’t have to convince Geralt to accompany him since even Geralt didn’t want to offend the king.

Jaskier had gotten nice clothes for Geralt and himself. He would enjoy seeing Geralt in something other than his usual black things. The clothes he chose were still in dark tones. Jaskier knew Geralt would have refused to wear them if they had been too colorful. For himself, Jaskier had gotten something much more vibrant than what he was normally wearing. His trousers, doublet and hat were in a matching plum color with orange and yellow details, some even golden. It was made out of fine silk and would fit in nicely with the royals who would eat and get drunk at the feast.

Of course, Jaskier had to coerce Geralt to get into the bath before they attended.

“Why do I need to take a bath? I took one yesterday and I have barely done anything to get dirty again,” Geralt complained.

“The King has invited us to his feast and you will be clean. Now get undressed and come in,” Jaskier told him, already sitting in the water, cleaning himself. Geralt started to undress grumbling and joined Jaskier in the bath. As usual Jaskier could not look away while Geralt undressed and was standing in front of him completely naked and as usual, Geralt completely ignored it. There was no way Geralt didn’t notice, but he pretended he didn’t. Jaskier had just finished washing his hair and turned to Geralt who sat in the bath but did not make any attempts to clean himself. Jaskier rolled his eyes.

“Come here, I’m doing your hair for you, you big baby. Then you don’t even have to move. Just turn around.” Geralt grumbled but obliged. Jaskier took the soap and started to work it into Geralt’s hair. He had done it countless times before and he loved it so much. It was one of the rare occasions when Geralt allowed him to touch him and Jaskier always took his time with it. The white hair felt soft between his fingers, when he rinsed away the soap. He combed through the hair and let his hands gently stroke over Geralt’s shoulders and back. There was the scar, where he had sewn the together the skin after Geralt’s fight with the Wyvern a bit over a year ago. It had healed nicely. He felt how Geralt relaxed and even leaned into his touch, but like always, only for a moment, before he pulled back and turned around to face Jaskier again. He didn’t push Jaskier back and didn’t say anything, just moved away. Jaskier bit his lip and tried to hide the hurt and the fact his heart felt like a fist was clenching around it.

They arrived in the evening, the day before the banquet at the castle and were given a nice, big room with a big bed. King Foltest seemed to want Geralt there but apparently not so much that he would give him his own room. Not that Jaskier would complain. The bed was bigger than the ones they normally shared, but as long as Geralt would sleep next to him, he would feel comfortable.

The next morning, Jaskier left their room before Geralt was awake. Since he was hired for the banquet, he was expected to take part in the preparations. For him that involved mainly talking through the evening with one of the servants involved in the planning. Deciding when to play which songs, so everything would work out smoothly. As if it ever did when a huge amount of nobles and alcohol came together. But one could still hope.

Before the banquet actually started, Jaskier had the chance to go back to their room for a bit. He wondered what Geralt had done the whole day, probably just enjoyed how quiet the room was. When Jaskier entered, Geralt was about to get dressed in the fine clothes Jaskier had bought. Right now, he was completely naked, bending down a little over the chair with the clothes allowing Jaskier a nice view of his behind.

“Well if that isn’t a nice greeting,” he said, smirking. Geralt looked at him for a second, turned back around and began to get dressed silently.

“I have to admit, I’m surprised that you’re on time and even willing to wear that without me having to force you. I know you don’t want to go, but I really appreciate it. I love not getting killed, you know. Also, it can only be in our interest when you get on Foltest’s good side. Since he requested you in particular.” Jaskier stood in front of the mirror, attempting to bring his hair in form again.

“I’d prefer not having to talk to Foltest,” Geralt said.

“Yes, you prefer to talk to no one, but if you get a contract from the king again, that would pay for a lot of nights in inns and brothels. So just smile and answer once in a while.”

When they entered the banquet hall again, there were already a number of guests present. The king was not, obviously. Kings always preferred to be fashionably late to draw the most attention to themselves. Geralt immediately went for an ale and a corner to avoid most people. Jaskier decided he would use the time he had before his performance to have a little fun, which he wouldn’t have, standing in that corner with the Witcher. He got himself something to drink and looked around. Soon enough someone recognized him and came up to him.

“I had been told, Foltest had gotten the famous Jaskier for his banquet, but I didn’t really believe it. Apparently, I was wrong.” Jaskier gave the woman who had spoken to him a bright smile. She was really attractive. A little older than him, maybe even a bit more than a little older, but he didn’t really mind that.

“Looks like it,” he said, taking the hand she offered him and hinted a small kiss to her fingers. “Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?”

“Kristin var Attre, Duchess var Attre,” she introduced herself.

“I see, a beautiful woman from the beautiful kingdom of Cintra. A pleasure to meet you, I hope you enjoy the banquet.”

“I had my doubts, but now I can look forward to hearing your new ballads” she answered and gave him a bright, beautiful smile. Jaskier caught a glimpse of Geralt who was staring at him. His gaze should probably tell him to be careful with married nobility, but where would be the fun otherwise. If Geralt didn’t want him, he would find someone else. At least for the night, at least to take his mind of things for a bit.

“Then I surely hope you will enjoy them.”

“When will you be playing?”

“I’m supposed to play for the entrance of the king, he should be here shortly,” Jaskier said and looked around, searching for someone in charge. It looked as if the king would soon be arriving. And sure enough, only a moment later, Jaskier was called to the small stage, near the high table.

The door opened and the king entered. Jaskier started to play, happy to have something to do so he didn’t have to participate in the greeting ritual all the guests had to do. He could just enjoy himself.

The King had finally taken his seat and the guests had gone back to drinking and talking. Geralt still stood in his corner, but apparently, he hadn’t been able to successfully hide himself, since he was no longer alone. He was even smiling at the person in front of him who seemed to talk fast and a lot. Jaskier could see that the smile was fake but he assumed that wasn’t so obvious to everyone else. He already knew Geralt would be annoyed later.

When he finally was able to take a break, Jaskier went straight for a table to get himself some food and sat down. He was really hungry after a long day.

“Oh hello, look who it is, Julian Alfred Pankratz.” Jaskier flinched a little, he knew that voice and he really didn’t want to hear it now, or ever. He still turned around to face the young man who was standing behind him.

“Hello Cedric,” he said with a cold fake smile and got up. Cedric and he had had something he would call a short fling. But Cedric had been a bit more serious about the matter. Jaskier had only realized that after he had been caught in bed with a woman and then been shouted at for at least half an hour. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Geralt, who was moving in his direction. “How have you been?” he asked, ignoring the awkward situation.

“Great, really great, since you know, I kicked your cheating ass out of my life.” Cedric didn’t sound fine, in fact he sounded pretty angry. It has been four years, Jaskier really didn’t know why he was still angry about the one time he had been cheating. A hand landed on his shoulder. He knew it was Geralt without having to turn around.

“Good evening, Geralt of Rivia,” Geralt introduced himself.

“Hello, nice to meet Julian’s new lover. Just wait until he cheats on you too,” Cedric snapped, turned around and stormed away.

“Well that was lovely,” Jaskier said. “Always nice to meet a past lover.”

“He thinks we’re together,” Geralt points out.

“Yes, and he’s not the only one,” Jaskier answered and stroked Geralt’s cheek before he turned around and sat back down at the table, to finish his meal, before he had to play again.

Jaskier enjoyed this evening a lot, singing, good food, nice and flirty company and alcohol. At the end of the evening he was nicely tipsy. Geralt on the other hand had not enjoyed it very much. The food and drinks seemed to be fine, Jaskier had seen him eating and drinking with a lot of enthusiasm, but he had been far less enthusiastic about all the people coming up to him and trying to talk to him. At least he had been nice and polite when the King had sought out his company for a moment.

At one point, Jaskier had even heard him say that if they wanted to know about the monsters, he slayed they should listen to the songs. It had made Jaskier chuckle, since Geralt was always complaining how wildly inaccurate his songs were. Not that Geralt wasn’t right, but that was called artistic freedom.

When the feast was over and they were on their way back to their room. Jaskier couldn’t stop himself from talking, because of the alcohol and also because he really liked talking.

“Wasn’t that nice? The food was good, there was a lot of alcohol and really nice people. Seriously Geralt, they were all so nice to me, complimented my songs. How come, you never compliment my songs? You are the one I’m writing them about.”

“Hmm.” Geralt opened the door to their room, shoved Jaskier inside and closed it again.

“But I saw you talking to the King. I hope that went well; it is always good to have a good standing with the monarchs.”

Geralt only growled. Jaskier looked at him and realizedhe was frowning.

“Are you alright? You seem a little tense.” He stepped closer to Geralt and laid his hand on the Witcher’s chest, looking at him with a little smirk. “I could help you relax. “

“I just want you to be quiet,” Geralt said.

“Well,” Jaskier got closer to Geralt’s face, just an inch from his lips, “I can’t talk with my mouth full.” Geralt’s body felt hot and he could feel the Witcher shiver at his words, Geralt’s breathing faltered for a moment. For just a second, hope flickered in Jaskier’s chest. Maybe he would let him close tonight. Even if just for one night, even if it were just him giving Geralt a blowjob. Even if Geralt wouldn’t touch him. He would love every second of it.

But he wasn’t allowed to. Geralt’s hand pressed to his chest and pushed him away.

“Jaskier, no.” he said with pain in his eyes and turned around, taking off his clothes. Jaskier sighed and looked at Geralt with a sad smile. At least he was allowed to admire his naked body, because Geralt didn’t seem to care about that.

They laid in bed next to each other. It was wide enough for both of them to have their space, there was even a blanket for each of them so there was no excuse for physical contact. Jaskier rolled to his side to look at Geralt who was staring at the ceiling.

“Goodnight, Geralt.” Jaskier put his hand on Geralt’s arm. “I love you,” he whispered with a little tear in his eye. He was happy Geralt couldn’t see it.

“Hmm.” The Witcher turned his back to Jaskier.

“If you really don’t want me around, you could just leave. You could just leave tomorrow. Get up before I wake up and leave me behind. If I wake up tomorrow and you are gone, I will not go look for you and I will leave you alone. But if you don’t, please don’t leave me later.” He turned his back to Geralt and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1253, Age 24_

Geralt did not leave that night in Temeria and he did not leave for the next two years. Jaskier still feared Geralt would disappear any day, but his fear got less each day. He had given Geralt the option and he had slept pretty long that night. Geralt didn’t wake him, but when Jaskier woke, Geralt was waiting for him. And that day, they had left Foltest’s court together.

At the moment, Geralt was on a hunt to take out a downers nest, a pretty standard contract. They had a room in the near town, where Geralt had gotten the contract from. Like always, Jaskier had refused to wait in town and had tagged along. Geralt was not happy that Jaskier refused to listen. But he couldn’t do much about it and Jaskier just didn’t like having Geralt out there on his own, worrying if he would come back or not. If he was out with Geralt, he at least knew what happened. Of course, he stayed back far enough to be safe, he didn’t want to get to know the downers on a personal level or anything. But at least today he could watch Geralt from where he was waiting. He saw Geralt drink a potion, before he ran towards the first of the drowners. He soon was swarmed, but with Aard he made some room. They were easy to kill so it wasn’t too hard, at least not for Geralt. The townspeople surely were struggling with them.

Jaskier had brought his lute, like he always did, but he couldn’t really get himself to do anything with it. He mainly watched Geralt, who’s fighting style looked like pure art. The way he twirled around, jumped from one side to another, wielded his sword at the drowners. The way Geralt moved was just immensely hot. The drowners fell down like flies around the Witcher. Jaskier was always amazed to see Geralt fighting that confidently. When finally, all of them were dead, Geralt turned around and walked up to him. Geralt’s skin was nearly white, his eyes a dark black and black veins reached over his face. The hair was hanging wet down to his shoulders, there were still parts of the drowners tangled up in it. Geralt’s movements were a lot faster than normal, also an effect of the potions. Jaskier couldn’t say why, but this look was immensely hot. He remembered how shocked he had been when he had seen him the first time like that. Not frightened, just shocked by how much he was into this look. Back then he had not been able to look away and to be honest, nothing had really changed. He still could not look away.

This whole look had something animalistic and Jaskier wanted nothing more than to be completely ravished by Geralt.

“Jaskier, you’re drooling,” Geralt said, putting away his sword. Jaskier snapped out of his daze and closed his mouth. He wiped over his mouth and realized it was more a figure of speech. He looked Geralt in his black eyes.

“You could fuck me,” Jaskier suggested.

“No,” Geralt answered. “Come help me, we need to get the valuable stuff, the sooner we finish, the sooner we are back in the inn and I can get a bath.”

Jaskier wasn’t even surprised anymore, by Geralt’s reaction, but he was still disappointed. He got his knife out of his boot and got to work. He had done this a lot in the past six years he had now known Geralt. Not really work he enjoyed, but he liked helping Geralt out and Geralt was right, they would be back in the inn sooner if he helped. And he would have a reason to get into the bath with Geralt.

Jaskier was a little disappointed when the effect of the potion wore off, he really enjoyed watching Geralt while he looked like that and he had to admit it made him horny. He knew that Geralt knew that. He had mentioned it before, and the Witcher was able to smell it. So Jaskier didn’t attempt to hide it anymore.

* * *

When they entered the inn, Geralt immediately requested a bath. The owner looked at them in disgust and sent a maid to prepare their bath in their room.

“Let me help you with your armor,” Jaskier offered and went up to Geralt. The Witcher let him and Jaskier stepped close to him. He unbuckled the armor and took it off. Touching Geralt, brushing away his hair and stroking Geralt’s shoulders. Geralt didn’t push him away. He didn’t mind that Geralt was covered in dirt, at least not too much. After cutting up the drowners, he himself was dirty, so it didn’t trouble him a lot. After he finished removing the armor, he stroked the white hair but Geralt stepped away and took off the rest of his clothes. Jaskier looked at him for a moment before he took off his own clothes and then got in the bath.

* * *

After their bath, they went to the tavern, where Jaskier immediately went to play his songs. Not everyone seemed to be happy to hear him play. Jaskier didn’t care too much, enough people liked his music, gave him applause and money for his performance. After he had finished, someone bought him an ale, which he thankfully took and went to Geralt. He dropped down on the bench next to Geralt and leaned against the Witcher.

The ale was good. Jaskier emptied his mug in one go and put it back on the table.

“Do you want to taste the ale?” he asked Geralt and looked up at him. Geralt looked at the empty mug.

“You drank it all,” he said. Jaskier grinned and sat up again. He took Geralt’s face between his hands and pressed his lips on Geralt’s. It was the first time he kissed him; he had never dared to do this before. But he hoped a hands-on approach would finally give him the desired outcome. And it was so good. He could feel it in his stomach, it felt like a lot of butterflies. He was just so in love with Geralt he felt like he would melt into that kiss. And Geralt didn’t immediately push him away. He stroked Geralt’s cheeks and tried to deepen the kiss, but apparently that was too much for the Witcher and Geralt pulled away. He looked at Jaskier sadly.

“Jaskier,” he said softly and shook his head with a heartbroken look.

Geralt, tell me you don’t love me and I will stop with it,” Jaskier pleaded. Geralt got up and went to the bar to get himself a drink.

He could have just told him, but he didn’t. He pushed him away but he was not able to tell Jaskier he didn’t love him. Things like that were the reason why he still didn’t give up, why he had been with Geralt for six years. And why he still had hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1254, Age 25_

Jaskier was freezing. His clothes had been wet for two days now and it was cold. He was sitting on the dirty ground of a cave, his hands bound behind his back. The part of the cave he was in had been separated from the rest with some bars.

Two days earlier he had been kidnapped while he had walked through the woods on his own, looking for some mushrooms or fruits for dinner. Some bandits had suddenly appeared and surrounded him. He had immediately called out for Geralt but the Witcher apparently had not heard him. They had recognized him as the bard who was traveling with Geralt of Rivia and had overpowered him. Jaskier had kicked and screamed at them, because he’d be damned if he would make it easy for them, but it didn’t matter. They had taken him and thrown him in that cave. He had been sure Geralt would find him soon, but for some reason, he hadn’t appeared yet. Jaskier started to fear Geralt had abandoned him. Just decided to leave him after he hadn’t returned. Because rescuing him would be too much trouble.

They had wanted to use Jaskier as bait, to lure Geralt in and then kill him. Jaskier didn’t believe they would be able to do that, if he would come. They might have been able to abduct an unarmed bard with mediocre fighting skills, but they weren’t good enough to actually overpower Geralt. Especially since he would suspect an attack.

One of the men guarding him seemed to be especially sadistic. He enjoyed entering the cell and kicking Jaskier, who was already on the ground. Which, in Jaskier’s opinion, was really cowardly. But it didn’t make it hurt less. His whole body felt bruised and he suspected his nose had been broken. He could feel the dried blood on his face, but with his hands bound he had not been able to wipe it off. He was curled up on the ground, shivering.

During the last days, he had been crying a lot but a body could only produce so many tears. They hadn’t given him any food, only a little water, that had carelessly been poured over his head and he had to try to catch what little there was with his mouth. It had felt incredibly degrading, to try and get some water in his mouth, but he was so thirsty all the time now.

“Look at that weakling. Why would the Witcher want to come for someone like him? He’s a waste of time. We should just kill him and be done with it,” one of the guards suggested. Jaskier let out an involuntary whimper. He knew, when they heard it, they would come in again.

“Did you hear that? I think he needs a little attention again.” Of course, they heard it.

The lock clicked and they both entered the cell. Jaskier struggled to get away from the door, not that it would help him in any way, but it was an instinct. Seconds later a foot landed heavily in his stomach and made him topple over. A hand grabbed his hair and pulled his head back again. He could see the dirty face of the other man grinning in his face.

“I have a nice idea, what to do with him,” he announced and pulled a knife out of his belt. Jaskier tried to yank back, but he was still held in place by his hair. He cried out in pain and stared at the knife. His heart was pounding in fear.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. Not yet at least. I’m just gonna give you something to remember us by,” he said and ripped Jaskier’s shirt open, exposing his chest. The man holding his hair was laughing behind him. Jaskier’s breathing was going too fast in panic, and he became dizzy. The man pressed the knife next to his collarbone and slowly dragged it down across Jaskier’s chest. Jaskier gritted his teeth and pressed his eyes shut. Forcefully he tried not to scream but couldn’t stop a whimper and tears coming from his eyes. He felt the blood running down his chest.

“I think he doesn’t like that,” the man with the knife said and pressed the weapon against Jaskier’s chest again. But before he could move it, Jaskier felt the guy collapsing and something warm and wet was splashing over his face. The hand in his hair suddenly vanished. Jaskier opened his eyes, the man in front of him had been run through with a sword, and Jaskier was now covered in his blood. He looked up and saw Geralt’s grim face looking down at him. Geralt pulled out the sword and looked over to the other guy who had let go of the bard’s hair and tried to get away. Jaskier couldn’t keep upright anymore and collapsed to the ground.

“You fucking pig. What did you do to him? You are fucking monsters and you do not deserve a quick death,” Geralt growled as he walked over to the other man, who had attempted to flee, but Geralt was quicker. He didn’t even bother with his sword, he just pressed him to the wall and wrapped his hand around his throat. The man made gagging noises and struggled in Geralt’s grip.

“I should slice you open, nice and slow. Like you attempted to do with him.”

“Geralt no. Just finish it, please,” Jaskier pleaded from the ground. He only wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. Geralt looked at him for a second, before he drove his sword through the man he had pinned against the wall. Then he hurried to Jaskier. The Witcher, too, was covered in blood. He had likely killed some more people on his way in.

“I’m so sorry it took me so long; I couldn’t trace you as well as I hoped. They were good at hiding their tracks.” He fell down to his knees and cut the rope around Jaskier’s hands.

“Can you stand?”

Jaskier grabbed Geralt’s shoulder and let the Witcher pull him up. He was unsteady on his feet, but Geralt put an arm around his waist and half carried him out.

“These fucking bastards,” Geralt mumbled, as they left the cave. On their way out, Jaskier could see more dead bodies lying around, probably the people who had tried to stop Geralt.

Roach was waiting outside for them and Geralt pushed Jaskier up on her back and then got up behind him. Geralt made sure to ride at a steady pace, so the movement wouldn’t hurt Jaskier too much. There was a town nearby, where they found an inn. Geralt requested a bath and for some food to be brought to their room.

When Jaskier finally got into the bath, he felt himself relax a little. He had emptied a whole pitcher of water as soon as the food arrived and Geralt had requested more to drink.

Geralt had urged Jaskier to get in the bath first. He could still eat, while in there and the warm water did wonders to his cold body.

Jaskier carefully eyed the food. He was hungry, but he hadn’t eaten in two days and somewhere in that time, his desire for food had vanished. He went for some bread and nibbled a little at it. He didn’t pay Geralt any mind, until he felt the water moving and he realized Geralt had gotten into the bath with him. The Witcher looked worried.

“How are you feeling?”

“Much better now,” Jaskier answered. His body was warming up quickly and he felt safe again. Sure, his bones were still aching but that had also gotten a lot better from the water. And the wound on his chest wasn’t as deep as he had feared. After finishing the bread, he suddenly felt much hungrier and grabbed some more food, now shovelling into his mouth. After he had finished, Geralt cupped his face with his hand.

“We should get you properly cleaned,” he suggested. Jaskier pressed his cheek against the hand and closed his eyes.

“Hmhm,” he said.

“Alright, turn around, I help you with your hair.”

Jaskier opened his eyes again and looked at Geralt. He had a soft look in his eyes that made Jaskier weak. Geralt rarely looked at him like that. He touched Geralt’s cheek, leaned forward and kissed him. And Geralt let him. It was only a short kiss, but as Jaskier pulled back, he saw Geralt smiling at him. Jaskier turned around after that, to give Geralt access to his hair.

He felt Geralt’s hand on his head, carefully stroking his hair, working the soap into it. Jaskier leaned back into the touch. The fingers massaging his head felt so good. There were rarely moments when Geralt allowed closeness like that. He felt that could make up for all he had to endure over the last two days. Geralt’s hands moved on, and rubbed over Jaskier’s shoulders and back, spreading the soap there, getting rid of the dirt from the cave. Geralt then cupped his hands, to get some water and wash out the soap from Jaskier’s hair. After he was done, he still didn’t let go of him. He put his hands on Jaskier’s hips and his forehead against Jaskier’s shoulder. Jaskier moved closer, sitting now between Geralt legs and leaning against the Witcher’s chest.

“You are nice and warm,” he said, grabbing Geralt’s hands and pulling the arms around him. Geralt didn’t resist and hugged him. Geralt’s hands didn’t keep still, he started drawing small circles on Jaskier’s belly. As the hand moved a little more down, Jaskier felt a wave of arousal moving through his body and he let out a small gasp. It was not a surprise to him, that his cock immediately got half hard. Geralt did it again, this time it seemed more on purpose. Jaskier wiggled a bit in Geralt’s arms, pressing against him. He felt Geralt also getting hard on his back. Geralt’s hands now moved more confidently. One went through the hair that was trailing down to his cock, the other hand moved to his thigh. His breathing became heavy and he felt Geralt moving against him.

“Geralt,” he moaned.

“Hmm.”

“Don’t stop.”

And Geralt didn’t, he started nuzzling his neck and kept moving his hands painfully slow, and in Jaskier’s opinion, too far from his cock. Jaskier grabbed Geralt’s thigh and dug his nails into the skin. He leaned his head back and rested it against Geralt’s shoulder. Finally, Geralt’s hand moved and wrapped around his cock and he just sank into the touch. Geralt wrapped his free arm around Jaskier’s chest again and pulled him close. Jaskier had never felt safer than in that moment, pressed against Geralt’s chest, held by a strong arm, not controlling but supporting. He could feel Geralt’s breath against his ear.

“Turn around,” Geralt rumbled and a shiver went down Jaskier’s spine. He moved away and did as Geralt asked. He sat down on Geralt’s lap and was immediately pulled in. His cock was now pressed against Geralt’s. He ground against Geralt. the Witcher grabbed his butt and pressed Jaskier closer. Jaskier wrapped his arms around Geralt’s neck and pushed himself against him and kissed him. And Geralt kissed him back and he was good at this. Jaskier was overwhelmed by his emotions. It felt so surreal. After so many rejections, he was finally sitting in Geralt’s lap, getting kissed passionately and they both were completely naked. It didn’t feel real to him. Geralt’s tongue pressed into Jaskier’s mouth and he gladly let him. Geralt moved against Jaskier’s lips and grabbed the bard’s hair. Jaskier pulled back a little.

“Please fuck me,” Jaskier whispered. He just really wanted to feel Geralt completely. He had no idea what would happen after that. Maybe Geralt would finally acknowledge his feelings or maybe he would push him away. If he would push him away again, he wanted to at least feel it one time. Geralt let go of Jaskier’s hair and had a look at the flasks next to the bath. He chose one and opened it. Geralt covered his finger in the oil and pushed Jaskier up, to get his butt was out of the water, so the oil wouldn’t be washed away. Jaskier was now standing in front of Geralt, the face of the Witcher at theheight of Jaskier’s crotch. Jaskier had to take hold of Geralt’s hair to hold himself steady, while his legs were shaking. Geralt moved his finger between Jaskier’s buttcheeks and pressed it against his rim. Jaskier pulled in air as the finger was gliding inside of him. Geralt was looking up at him and suddenly Jaskier felt a warm, soft mouth around his cock. He moaned loudly and felt dizzy from the lust.

“Oh god, Geralt,” he moaned and moved against the finger. Geralt’s lips moved a little and despite the cock in his mouth, Jaskier could see a small smile. As an answer, he felt a second finger pushing inside of him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stand up much longer. Geralt spread his fingers a little and sucked hard on his cock. And now he dropped onto his knees, pulled his cock out of Geralt’s mouth in the process. He was now clinging to Geralt as the Witcher hit his prostate and massaged it. Jaskier pushed himself against the fingers again and again. A third finger was added. The thought of how Geralt’s cock would feel inside of him was driving him crazy.

“Are you ready?” Geralt asked him softly.

“Yes, please,” Jaskier whimpered. Geralt pulled his fingers out and it felt like he was losing something, like he felt empty. Geralt grabbed Jaskier hips and pushed him up a little. Jaskier took Geralt’s cock in his hand and held it steady while he lowered his body onto Geralt slowly, supportedby Geralt’s hands at his hips. He threw his head back and growled loudly. Geralt was huge and filled him out completely. He entangled his hands in the long white hair and was thankful for the support. Geralt pushed Jaskier slowly up again and let him settle back down. It didn’t take Jaskier long to come like that. He felt so much love for the man under him. The orgasm washed over him and he was shaking, falling against Geralt who wrapped his arms around him. He felt Geralt bucking up and his cum inside of him. They stayed like that for a bit longer, he enjoyed being filled for a while.

When the water had become cold, they left the bath and dried off. Jaskier had finished the rest of the food and drank a lot of water before they both fell into the bed.

Completely exhausted from the last few days, Jaskier fell asleep immediately.

When he woke up the next morning, Geralt was already awake but lying still next to him. He was not sure how to act after what had happened the day before. He carefully moved over and put his arm around Geralt. Geralt pressed his lips together and glanced at him with a sad look in his eyes. He pushed Jaskier’s arm away and got up. So, nothing had changed. Jaskier turned away and curled up under the blanket. He should have expected that Geralt would push him away again. He remembered how much love he had seen in Geralt’s eyes when they had been in the bath and the gentle hands on his body. It was so painfully obvious that Geralt loved him, but he just couldn’t admit it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1255, Age 26_

They might have been on the ship with the same people every day for a while now, but that didn’t stop Jaskier from playing his music every evening. Sure, after a couple of days they weren’t as eager to pay him some money as they had been in the beginning, but he still had made quite a bit of money and got back about half of what he had paid to get on the ship.

Of course, he didn’t have to go, he had just trailed after Geralt like always. The Witcher wanted to travel to Skellige to visit some master blacksmith to get a new sword. Jaskier had complained that there were plenty of great smiths on the continent and they really didn’t need to pay the hefty fee to go over to Skellige. Geralt had just told him he could stay, which obviously was not an option. So reluctantly Jaskier had paid and gotten onto the ship with Geralt. Who knew when Geralt would be back and when they would meet again, if he would let him leave the mainland alone.

Jaskier had just gotten out of bed and was walking around the room. He was deciding on what to wear that day and did so completely naked. Because he could and because he knew ~~,~~ Geralt could not stop watching him. Every time when he turned to Geralt, the Witcher quickly looked away and tried to hide it. As if Jaskier wouldn’t see the quick head movement. That only motivated Jaskier more to walk around without clothes when they were alone.

He walked over to the Witcher and stopped very close in front of him.

“You should get up,” he said and let his fingers run through Geralt’s hair. Geralt wordlessly grabbed his wrist and pulled his arm away. But he looked at Jaskier with so much longing. Jaskier didn’t say anything, turned around and got dressed.

When they left the room, they heard yelling and sounds of fighting from above. Geralt hurried back inside and got his swords.

“You stay down here,” he instructed before he ran upstairs. Jaskier would absolutely not stay down here. As soon as Geralt was out of sight he ran up. On deck, he immediately saw what the issue was. A group of Sirens was attacking the ship. They were flying above them, diving down to attack and then flying up again. Jaskier recognized Geralt using the Yrden sign, trapping one of the Sirens down so he could run her sword through her. A fight against opponents who would constantly fly up again was challenging but it didn’t seem too dangerous. Thanks to Geralt, they managed to fight off the Sirens without major injuries.

The songs he had written about his love to Geralt had become less and less subtle over the years. So much that basically everyone knew by now that the bard Jaskier was hopelessly in love with the White Wolf and he had to admit, it didn’t bother him too much. It got them a little more money, since people felt sorry for him and his unrequited love. Geralt always made a point of staring into his ale when Jaskier played one of these songs.

But Jaskier didn’t let him ignore him, not always at least. He had written a new song about how the White Wolf had saved a whole ship from getting drowned by a swarm of sirens and how he was a hero. The new song was well received by the people. They were happy Geralt had been there to help him. People tended to like songs that were close to them.

While he performed one of his more intense love songs, he stopped exactly in front of the table, where Geralt was staring into his drink. He leaned down, to look directly at the Witcher while he sang about the White Wolf’s eyes glowing like beautiful suns. He could see ~~,~~ how Geralt clutched his mug, he glanced up for a moment but quickly looked back at his drink. Jaskier turned around and walked away again.

A wave hit the ship and Jaskier stumbled on his way over to the bar. Trying to find something to hold on so he wouldn’t fall on his lute, he couldn’t afford a new one. But before he hit the ground, someone caught him and he now was basically sitting on the lap of a young man. The guy was definitely a couple of years younger than Jaskier and really good looking. And he seemed a little flustered by the bard who was suddenly sitting in his lap. Jaskier smiled at him flirtingly.

“Hello, I’m Jaskier and who are you?”, he asked, leaning close to his face.

“Gavin,” he answered quietly.

“Well hello Gavin,” Jaskier said cheerfully. He lightly stroked Gavin’s cheek as he got up. Before he turned around, he saw Gavin blushing. Jaskier caught a glimpse of Geralt who now glared at him and got up. Of course, he didn’t like that, but if he didn’t want Jaskier to flirt with someone else he should not keep rejecting him. He might be in love with Geralt but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have fun with other people if the Witcher did not want him. Or at least did not admit that he wanted him.

Jaskier pretended to not have seen Geralt leave. He finished his performance and stayed a while, drinking and talking to the other travelers. Should Geralt brood in his misery if he insisted.

“You are in love with the Witcher?” a woman asked him. Jaskier turned around and smiled at her sadly. Not that he felt too sad about it. After six years one learned to deal with that feeling, at least most of the time. But a good performance was good for the show.

“Oh yes,” he sighed. “But what can I do,” he answered dramatically.

“You poor thing,” the woman said and put her hand on Jaskier’s arm. He had to admit, he enjoyed the attention he got from everyone. He would prefer Geralt’s attention but since the Witcher had gone, he would enjoy the evening this way.

When he finally returned to their room Geralt was sitting on the ground, working at his armor, which had been ripped by the last monster, before they had gotten on the ship.

“Had fun?” Geralt asked without looking up.

“Would have had more fun with you there,” Jaskier answered truthfully and threw himself on the bed.

“Hmm.” Of course, he didn’t properly answer that.

“You know, we could have fun right now,” Jaskier suggested, looking at Geralt.

“I think you should sleep,” Geralt answered and turned back to his work.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1256, Age 27_

It had been an exhausting day, dealing with some Doppler running wild in Novigard and constantly changing appearances. Geralt had spent the day trying to capture him. He didn’t want to kill him since Dopplers were not really monsters. But in the end, he didn’t have a choice anymore, after one person had been killed and then Geralt himself had been attacked. To calm down, Geralt and Jaskier had decided to end the day in the tavern and ordered a huge amount of beer. Jaskier was already far from sober after he had emptied a couple of mugs. Geralt could handle more due to being a Witcher and also didn’t drink as much. By now he was leaning against Geralt’s shoulder and at least he was not pushed away.

“I will get more to drink,” Jaskier announced and got up. Being drunk certainly was nothing new for him and so he managed to walk in a relatively straight line and order what he desired. Some more beer but also some liquor. He felt they deserved it.

“That does not smell like beer,” Geralt commented as he returned. “I don’t think you should drink it.” Geralt looked concerned but Jaskier didn’t care too much. He knew how much he could handle, he also really wanted to get drunk. So, he chucked back one cup with the liquor and felt the strong alcohol immediately. It was nice and numbing. He didn’t have to think too much anymore. With a low sigh, he dropped his head back to Geralt’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. He was warm, much warmer than normal humans and Jaskier loved it. Geralt didn’t react to it but at least he still didn’t push him away. Jaskier just wanted to enjoy the closeness for a bit.

But of course, it didn’t last long and Geralt eventually pushed him away.

“Need to pee,” Geralt announced and walked to the door. Jaskier looked after him and felt sad. He decided it was a good time to continue with the beer that was still on their table.

A woman sat down next to him.

“You are the bard, Jaskier, right? You wrote that song about the Witcher,” she said. Jaskier raised his mug in her direction. “I wrote a lot of songs about the Witcher, most of my songs. I mean look at him, he is so great and he always wants to help the people. And I really love him.”

“I imagine someone like him is not easy to love. I heard they don’t have emotions.” She looked at him with sympathy.

“Oh, he does, lots of emotions actually, he just struggles to express them. It’s true, it’s not easy to love him. But what can I do? You don’t choose who you fall in love with,” he babbled away. Alcohol always made him a little more dramatic and he also really felt the pain again about Geralt always pushing him away. Jaskier looked up and realized Geralt was standing next to them.

“Hello Geralt, nice to see you are back. I love you very much,” he proclaimed and leaned over to slump against the Witcher. He looked up and saw Geralt looking at him with pain in his eyes.

“I think you should go to bed, Jaskier,” he said gently and pushed him away a little so he said upright again.

“Carry me,” Jaskier said and looked at the Witcher demanding. Geralt rolled his eyes but he reached down and picked Jaskier up one arm under his legs and one behind the back. Jaskier wrapped his arms around Geralt and pressed his face against the Witcher’s shoulder.

“You smell nice, Geralt,” he mumbled. His fingers tangled up in Geralt’s hair. It had recently been washed and was soft. Jaskier loved playing with it and right now, Geralt couldn’t do anything about it since he had his hands full. He pressed his face against Geralt’s neck.

“I could stay here forever.” He kissed the soft skin.

“Jaskier, no,” Geralt said quietly, he sounded sad. Jaskier left it and just leaned against the Witcher’s shoulder. Geralt would probably never accept his feelings. Just moments ago, he had felt extremely happy but suddenly it went in the complete opposite direction and he felt incredibly sad. He did feel sad quite a lot lately. He had dealt with his feelings and Geralt’s rejections for so long now and it was becoming a bit much. The alcohol wasn’t helping. It always made his emotions go up and down. He felt his body going limp and if Geralt hadn’t been him properly, he would most likely have fallen to the ground. Geralt sat him down on the bed where Jaskier just sat and stared at nothing.

“Will you be able to get your boots off by yourself or do you need help?” Geralt asked, looking a little worried. Jaskier sighed and bent down to pull off his boots. But his body still felt limp so he struggled with it. Geralt watched him trying for a bit and then gently took away his hands and pulled the boots off Jaskier’s feet then he placed them neatly next to the bed. Jaskier let himself fall back to the bed.

“You are quiet,” Geralt said.

“Hmm.”

“Are you alright?”

“Wanna sleep,” Jaskier mumbled. It wasn’t really a lie. Not the whole truth but he did want to sleep. He rolled around so his back was turned to Geralt. His eyes were burning and he didn’t want the Witcher to see him cry. He heard Geralt shuffling around the room a bit before the mattress next to him moved and told him Geralt had lied down next to him.

It took him longer than usual to fall asleep and when he woke up again it was still dark. He could hear Geralt’s breathing next to him. He turned around and looked at Geralt in the twilight. Geralt was turned to him and still deeply asleep. He looked so beautiful and when he was sleeping, he looked so peaceful. Jaskier lifted his hand with the intention of stroking Geralt’s cheek but just before he touched the Witcher he pulled back. He didn’t want to wake him and Geralt wouldn’t like it.

He had been thinking a lot about how to go on with all of that lately. And he had finally made a decision as he was trying to fall asleep with tears streaming down his cheeks. He would leave, he should have left years ago but he had been too weak. He got up and got fresh clothing from his bag and started to get dressed.

The noise woke Geralt up.

“What are you doing? It’s too early to be up,” Geralt asked, confused, as he blinked at him.

“I’m leaving,” Jaskier said and continued to pack his stuff. They had mostly thrown their things together, so he needed to get Geralt’s stuff out of his bag and find his in Geralt’s bag. Geralt suddenly got up.

“What? Why? To where?” He sounded confused and a little hurt. Jaskier turned around to face Geralt who was standing next to the bed, only wearing trousers. This was not helpful. He grabbed a shirt and threw it at Geralt.

“Put that on, I need to think clearly,” he said. Geralt now looked even more confused but obeyed.

“I cannot do this anymore Geralt. I think you should maybe understand that. I love you and you know that I’ve been in love with you for 7 years now. We both know you are in love with me too but for some reason, you still keep rejecting me. I won’t ask you why because clearly, you don’t want to talk about it. But I can’t continue like that. I’ve spent years of my life with you, hoping you would finally want me. Clearly that is not going to happen so I will go. Where you ask? I don’t know yet. Maybe Cintra or Wizima or Oxenfurt or maybe home. Maybe I will still travel and maybe I will find someone I can share my life with, someone who actually wants to share their life with me. It will take time to get over you but maybe I will be able to love someone else.” Tears were streaming down his cheeks again. Geralt was looking at him in shock. He seemed not to know what to say. Jaskier turned away again and finished putting his stuff in his bag.

“Jaskier…,” Geralt started but he seemed not to know how to continue. Jaskier took his bag and swung over his shoulder. Geralt suddenly was next to him and held his wrist.

“Geralt. What do you want? Because if you want me to stay, I need you to love me back and show me. Are you ready to do that? Because I can’t get hurt like that anymore.” Geralt looked down and let go of Jaskier’s wrist. That hurt a lot. The little grain of hope Jaskier still had had vanished. He nodded.

“Then I will go. Maybe we run into each other again. But don’t expect me to come with you again.” Jaskier grabbed Geralt’s hand and the Witcher didn’t pull back.

“If you let me, I will kiss you… one last time.” Geralt looked up into Jaskier’s eyes. He didn’t draw away so Jaskier leaned in for one short kiss. Then he let go of the hand and went to the door. Standing in the open door he turned around.

“Try to find something that makes you happy, Geralt. Because this whole monster hunting and letting no one near you is not good for you.”

“Find someone, who deserves your love, settle down and be happy,” Geralt said. Jaskier’s mouth twitched a little. It was nearly a smile. Then he turned around and left the room.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1256, Age 27_

There was a loud rumbling outside the door and Jaskier knew from years of experience what that meant. He had only seconds until an angry husband would stand in the door of that bedroom and see Jaskier in bed with his wife. Katelyn didn’t look too concerned, she only looked confused when Jaskier jumped out of the bed naked and grabbed his trousers. From years of practice he managed to get them on quick enough to not have to face the man completely naked. It was always a little embarrassing to get kicked out of someone’s house with his dick out.

He ignored the opening door, quickly took the rest of his clothes and clutched them to his chest.

“So, the blacksmith was right, he told me he had seen you vanish with that bard.” The man was tall, looked strong and right now his face was very red. Jaskier really didn’t want to get too close to him. But sadly, he did step closer to Jaskier and the bard took two steps back, wondering if he should jump for the window or rather the door.

“Did you fuck my wife, you son of a bitch?” he yelled and a bit of spit ended up in Jaskier’s face. It felt disgusting but he didn’t dare show a reaction. The man took one more step in Jaskier’s direction and Jaskier took it as a prompt to duck around him and run for the door as quickly as possible. The angry husband was close behind him, yelling all kinds of obscene things at the bard. Of course, some people had noticed what was going on and were now looking very interested in what was happening as he left the house. Probably hoping to see him getting beat up, which Jaskier hoped to avoid. Luckily the man stopped just outside of the door and yelled after him to keep away. Not like he had planned to come back again.

When he was sure, he wasn’t being followed anymore, he stopped to put the rest of his clothes back on. Since it was already dark, he felt pretty safe. He went through his hair with his fingers to straighten it a little and made his way back to the inn, much more confident looking than when he ran out of that house.

He had to admit, he even enjoyed the excitement of it. He foremost enjoyed the sex, which admittedly had been really good again, but for some reason he also enjoyed the adrenaline from being chased out by an angry husband. He didn’t enjoy it when they caught him and actually beat him up, but it was worth the risk. One does not follow a Witcher over the whole continent without somehow liking danger.

Back in the inn he packed up, and got ready to leave first thing in the morning. Right now, he would get some sleep so he would be rested to continue his travel to Oxenfurt tomorrow. He really wanted to see the city again and he missed teaching. Maybe he could take on some lectures for a bit. And if not, people in the city were always happy to pay him for his music.

Before the sun could rise, Jaskier had snuck out of his room and to his gelding Pegasus. They still had a couple days ride to go until they would reach the city. He didn’t like the times he spent alone with Pegasus on the road, it painfully reminded him of Geralt, who was no longer with him. It has been his own decision to leave the Witcher behind but it still hurt and he missed him a lot. Traveling was even somehow dull without the constant monster hunting. That might be one reason why he got himself in a lot of trouble with other people now.

It was a couple of days later, another town, another inn, he was singing about Geralt again. He could sing other songs and he probably should for his own sanity, but he couldn’t bring himself to not sing them. Couldn’t bring himself to completely leave Geralt behind. Also, most people seemed to enjoy them and he needed the money if he wanted to be able to sleep inside every night. Sleeping outside while traveling with a Witcher was one thing. But alone it was too dangerous. Sure, he wasn’t completely helpless, he could probably deal with one or two wolves, even with two humans if they weren’t trained too well, but mostly the threats would be bigger than that. So, he tried to get a room in an inn every night. Mostly it worked, since people liked his music and paid well enough for it. But not everyone this evening seemed to think like that, he realized, as a piece of bread hit his head. It made Jaskier a little nostalgic, for nine years ago when he met Geralt for the first time. People had also thrown bread at him.

“Enough of that damn mutant whoreson!”

He felt anger welling up in him. He set his lute down and walked up to the guy with steps.

“What did you just say, about Geralt?” he gritted out between clenched teeth. Jaskier was now standing close in front of the man who was slightly smaller than him. He looked kind of strong, but Jaskier wasn’t weak either. His colorful clothes often tricked people.

“I said, he is a damn mutant whoreson and a fucking monster,” the man growled. Faster than the man could look, Jaskier had grabbed his collar with his left hand, and his right hand formed a fist that crashed into the idiot’s face. He could hear a crack; the nose was probably broken. The asshole tumbled to the ground and Jaskier turned around to take his lute again. His hand hurt, but it had not been the first time, he had hit someone in the face, so he had been prepared.

“Anyone else have something to say about Geralt?”, he asked, hoping no one had. He had been lucky, it had been one on one and he had the element of surprise but if two guys would decide to take him on, he wouldn’t have a chance. No one said anything. But some of the women had come closer to him. They apparently had liked his display of manhood as he had punched that guy. Jaskier sent a smirk and a wink in their general direction, skillfully done in a way, that they all would feel like it was specifically meant for them, but no one could be sure. His hand was hurting, but it had felt good to punch that asshole. He was still in love with Geralt and they were still more or less friends, so he wouldn’t allow some peasant to insult him.

After he had finished his performance, he gave his whole attention to the group of ladies ~~,~~ admiring him. He got some drinks out of them and after a while none of them were sober anymore.

Suddenly two of them were sitting on his lap, giggling and urging him to tell them stories of the adventures he had with Geralt. He gladly did so, changing some details to make it more exciting and seem like he has been in more danger then he had actually been. The others had vanished after a while, since he couldn’t give everyone as much attention as he wanted. But he quite enjoyed himself right now, his arms slung around their hips, their arms around his neck, hands in his hair and on his chest.

“Well ladies, I have a room in just this inn and it has a nice and big bed, what do you think about going up there,” he suggested with a dirty smirk. They giggled even louder and jumped up from his lap, pulling him up and to the stairs. That had been a lot easier than he thought. That could become a nice and long night.

He sat down on the bed and they quickly followed him; four hands started to undress him quickly. Soon all three of them were completely naked and Jaskier was lying back enjoying the sight of two beautiful women on his bed, kissing each other, their hands wandering over their bodies. He pushed himself up to his knees and bent down, burying his face between the legs of the one laying on her back. She screamed in surprise but immediately spread her legs for him and grabbed his hair, pushing his head further down. He smiled while licking her. She was wet and tasted good but the best was the way she moved and moaned under him. He had always loved to bring others pleasure. His hand moved between the legs of the other woman, skilled fingers making her moan. She dropped to the bed, and stopped playing with the tits of the other woman who seemed to be her friend.

He couldn’t say how it even happened, but suddenly he was on his back, one woman riding his cock, one sitting on his face, he had his hands on her hips and his tongue slipping in and out of her, circling her clitoris and making her scream.

After a couple of weeks traveling, he had managed to get to Oxenfurt. Not always had it been easy. He had gotten himself in some trouble and had not always he managed to get out of it unharmed. Sometimes it was people who’d rather he’d be silent, sometimes it was angry spouses, but finally he arrived in the big city that he had always loved. He had gotten himself a room in his favorite inn, where he had been greeted like an old friend. It would be easier to earn money here. He also planned to see if he could get a teaching position in the university again for a more stable income. He loved teaching and sharing his experience, especially in poetry. He would get settled in a bit first, see how the city had changed and then ask for a teaching position.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _1256, Age 27_

Jaskier greatly enjoyed being back in Oxenfurt, and most of all teaching. Young people wanting to learn from him had always been a delight. Not that he was so much older than them, but they still looked at him with a lot of wonder. Which probably had something to do with the fact that he had become quite famous now. He had been here for a couple of months but, especially in the beginning, some students had treated him a little weird after seeing him for the first time.

He did like the attention and awe he got from them.

He had gotten a nice private room from the university where he lived now, much better and cheaper than living in an inn. It was a nice life, quiet, without dangers and he had a regular income. He hated it. Not really hated, but there was a reason he had become a traveling bard and there was a reason he had trailed behind a Witcher for several years. He wanted adventure and excitement and mostly he wanted Geralt. He wanted to be with him, kiss him, love him. But he needed to forget him, get over him, because only loving him and never getting anything back just wasn’t good for him. It had been eating him from the inside. He needed to get over that damn Witcher. And he had figured the best way would be to change his life completely. Not traveling the continent anymore because everything about it would only remind him of Geralt. It did not work out really well.

He had just finished another lecture and left the hall, surrounded by some students excitedly asking different questions. The other professors were jealous of how he managed to connect to his students and actually have their interest. Not that they showed it openly or in a mean way, but he still saw it. He still knew them from his times as a student and it didn’t surprise him. Many barely left the big cities. They were born into rich families, got an education and started teaching, while he had traveled the world and was able to include it in his lectures.

“Well hello Julian, I heard you were back in town but I had to see for myself. Your little songs not paying enough anymore so you needed to come back and teach? Could the university not find someone more competent, so our youth can actually learn something?”

Jaskier recognized the voice immediately and put on his fakest smile. “Good to see you here, Valdo, looking for some lectures to find out why your lyrics are so bad? I could recommend you some courses.” He looked at Valdo, the slender body leaning against a wall, running his hands through his black hair. Valdo was a little taller than Jaskier, even though Jaskier wasn’t small. It had still always rubbed him the wrong way, that Valdo was taller than him.

The students seemed to sense the tension in the air and quickly scattered.

“I heard that the Witcher you were traveling with dumped you and that’s why you are back,” Valdo announced, smirking. It wasn’t true but it still hurt to hear him say that. He had not been dumped by Geralt, thank you very much. Mainly because to be dumped there would have had to be something like a relationship. But he also left on his own accord.

“People like to make up all kinds of stories and you are just jealous of what I experienced, because you would never dare to even look at a Witcher. You would piss your pants if one would look at you. And if you would ever encounter a Wyvern, you would die in shock while I’ve cut the head off of one.” Jaskier started to walk to his quarters, leaving the shocked Valdo behind. They would meet again soon, and he kind of looked forward to it. It was always fun to destroy him with words… or something different.

He did run into Valdo again a couple of days later in a tavern, or maybe Valdo ran into him. He had just finished his drink, when he spotted him. Valdo had just entered the tavern and looked around, spotting Jaskier immediately. With a fake smile he walked up to Jaskier. Jaskier wouldn’t even call it walking but strutting.

“I see, you need to get some courage from a mug, before actually singing. I would have to drink too if I had to perform your songs,” Valdo said

“Fuck you.” Jaskier was not in the mood for a wordy argument.

“Fuck me yourself, coward.”

Jaskier started to laugh. This actually sounded like something he was in the mood for.

“ _You_ call _me_ a coward?” He got up and stepped close to Valdo, pushing him back to the back door.

“I will fuck you, Valdo, I will fuck you real good. So good you won’t be able to sit tomorrow and you will thank me for it. At least, if you are not a coward and run away now,” Jaskier growled, pushing the other bard through the door out into the small back alley.

“I am not scared of you, Julian. But I don’t believe you have it in you to fuck me well,” he teased, as his back bumped against the wall.

“That’s how you think? I think we should find that out now, don’t you?” With that he grabbed between Valdo’s legs, pushing against his already hard dick. Valdo breathed in loudly.

“Look at that. Horny bastard,” Jaskier said smirking.

Valdo looked around nervously. “Julian, people will see us,” he said.

“No one cares here,” Jaskier answered and bent down to bite into Valdo’s neck. No one would care about two people fucking against a wall in some dark back alley. He had seen others doing it so often, done it a couple of times himself, people walking through small dark allyes normally only wanted to get out quickly.

He moved both of his hands between them to unlace Valdo’s trousers and pushed them down a little to free his cock. He wrapped his hand around it and pumped one time. Valdo moaned loudly and thrust up into Jaskier’s hand. He let go again, grabbed the shoulders of the other bard, turned him around and pressed him back against the wall with his whole body. Pressing his hard cock against Valdo’s naked backside. It felt really good, he rutted against him and moaned.

“Are you planning to fuck me any time soon or is dry humping all you can do.”

Jaskier growled a bit and took a small step back to get some oil out of his pocket. Valdo had turned his head and looked at him.

“Oh of course Julian the slut has oil in his pocket.”

“You never know when you run into your archenemy who demands you to fuck him.”

He slipped his slick fingers between the buttcheeks and inserted one slick finger into him, which was surprisingly easy. “You are already so loose Valdo, tell me, how many dicks did you have in you in the last few days? Who is the slut now?” He slipped one more finger in his hole, pushed deep into him, quickly finding that one special spot. Valdo jerked up and screamed.

“Shit you are loud, shut up or maybe people will start minding us,” Jaskier said and pulled his fingers back. Valdo whimpered when the fingers vanished. Jaskier had to hold back a chuckle. He had a lot of talk but now he was already whimpering. Jaskier unlaced his trousers and pulled them down to free his own cock. He quickly slicked it up and pushed inside the other man who had pressed his hands against the wall in front of him. Valdo groaned as Jaskier started thrusting into him hard. It felt good to be in control, making this man groan and twist before him. He grabbed Valdo’s hair and pulled the head back to reveal his neck, where he then sunk his teeth in. Jaskier wrapped his hand around the other’s cock and pumped. Valdo pushed back against Jaskier and he felt him clenching around his cock and then Valdo spilled in his hand. The clenching also pushed Jaskier over the edge and he leaned against Valdo’s back panting. He pulled out and laced his trousers again.

“Well you can say what you want but I heard the noises you made when I fucked you.”

Valdo didn’t answer, he just growled lowly while pulling up his trousers.

Jaskier smirked, he knew he was good at it and he knew Valdo had enjoyed it, but of course he didn’t want to admit it.

“I know you would prefer a bad fuck before admitting I am good at something,” Jaskier said.

“Or maybe I should show you how it’s really done.”

“Sure, next time. I don’t say no to a free fuck, even if it’s mediocre.”

This had lifted his mood a lot and he went back in to order another beer. Getting drunk sounded like a good idea.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geralt needed time to understand what had just happened. His best friend had left the room, and him. For good. They had often parted ways before but always with the intention of meeting again. But this time Jaskier had made it clear, they probably wouldn’t see each other again. And it hurt, it shouldn’t hurt, he shouldn’t have these feelings towards another human. Witchers don’t feel and so he took a deep breath and finally got up. He got dressed, put on his boots and took his swords. Roach was waiting for him in her stable. She seemed to sense something was wrong and brushed her soft nose over Geralt’s face. He stroked her head, before fastening the saddlebags to her saddle and leading her out of town.

He decided to travel to the south, doing what he did best, looking for work, killing monsters, because that’s what Witcher’s are for.

He was taking out a drowner nest in a swamp. There were more than he had expected, so he quickly downed a potion.

“Stay away, Jaskier,” he yelled. But he didn’t hear anything behind him, because there was no one there. For a second, he was distracted and two drowners had been able to come close and even though he could barely feel the pain thanks to the potion, he knew the scratch they had inflicted on his shoulder was deep.

After the fight, he had to tend to the cut himself. It’s not like he hadn’t done it countless times before, before he’d known Jaskier or in times when they’ve been separated and still there was something missing. He was able to get them off and throw them to the ground before more came and attacked him.

It wasn’t the only time stuff like that happened. Sometimes he would brush Roach and absently ask Jaskier to hand him something or he would sit by the fire and suddenly think he heard a lute. Whenever it happened, he felt his heart drop after realizing, he’s still alone. Sometimes he would enter a tavern and he would hear a familiar tune and for a second, he would think it would be Jaskier, but then he always realized the unfamiliar voice. Then he would sit there, drinking and glaring. Sometimes people would recognize him but he rarely was in the mood to talk to anyone, only if there was a contract on offer.

It felt like Jaskier’s ghost was following him and he didn’t know what to do with it. But after some months of lying awake at night, thinking about Jaskier, always expecting to see him behind the next turn, he couldn’t deny it anymore, he missed Jaskier more than he had ever missed anyone in the nearly hundred years of his life and he was in love with him. It had always been in the back of his head, where he had protected it. And Jaskier had known it, had even told him, but Geralt had always brushed it off. It was good as long as Jaskier had been with him. He had been content with that, didn’t want Jaskier to get too close, didn’t want to get too attached, which obviously hadn’t worked out at all.

However much he tried to drown his feelings, he couldn’t manage it. He was in love with Jaskier, it had hit him one evening, while some bard was playing a couple of Jaskier’s songs. It had hurt to hear these familiar tunes that forced him to think about the times Jaskier had walked next to him, composing these exact songs, the times Jaskier had played the songs, smiled at him while singing. He thought about the contracts that led to these songs. Of course, the stories were all completely wrong. But it hadn’t really mattered, Geralt knew what had really happened, and Jaskier did too. He wondered if Jaskier still sung the songs. If Jaskier was still thinking about him or if he had moved on, now that they didn’t see each other anymore.

Geralt had to find out. He had to try to get Jaskier back. He needed to find him and tell him he loved him and hope that Jaskier would take him back. Hope Jaskier still loved his stupid ass.

He really needed for Jaskier to leave him to realize he was in love. How could he have been so stupid. After he had realized it, he had immediately packed up his stuff and made his way north. Geralt had no idea where Jaskier actually was, he might still be traveling through the continent on his own. One reason for the bard to follow him had been to see the world, so he might still be doing that. If that was the case it would be hard to find him, but maybe he had gone back to Oxenfurt, so Geralt had decided to start there looking for him.

In every town he passed he asked if anyone had seen the bard. Not often had the people seen anything, but what he heard all pointed in the general right direction. He had traveled far to the south and it was a trip that took a couple of weeks, to reach Oxenfurt.

He took on small contracts on his way to get some money, but nothing bigger, because he wanted to arrive as quickly as possible, he didn’t know if he would have to travel further after Oxenfurt. If so, his next destination would be Lettenhove, because maybe Jaskier had gone back home. He did mention that he might go home, before he left.

He didn’t make a lot of coin, but it was enough for the occasional shitty room and warm meal, which often also was shitty. He could have made more coin but he didn’t want to waste even more time.

As he was riding along a road in the bright sun, he suddenly caught himself humming a song. It took him a moment to figure out what song it was but he realized it was one Jaskier has sung about him. He looked to his side, where Jaskier used to ride and sing but of course no one was there. The lyrics came back to him and he started to sing quietly. He had heard it so often; he knew the words to nearly all of Jaskier’s songs by heart now. He hadn’t really realized he was actually able to sing them but apparently, he was. And while he was singing to himself, he started to think about the actual meaning of the words and it stung him. These words had been born out of pain and a broken heart and it has been his fault. He had been so stupid to not allow Jaskier to get close. Jaskier had always known ~~,~~ Geralt was in love with him and he had clung to his hopes for years and Geralt had pretended the whole ‘Witchers have no emotions’ thing was true. He had hurt the person closest to him with it and drove him away. He urged Roach to walk faster.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Geralt finally arrived in Oxenfurt it had been five months since they had seen each other the last time and Geralt hoped it had not been too long. He decided to get a room first. It didn’t matter if he found Jaskier here, he would still stay the night. And inns in the cities were generally nicer than the ones in small towns so he was looking forward to it. After Roach was stabled and his things stored in his room, which actually was really nice, he made his way to the Oxenfurt University to ask for Jaskier there. If he was in the city, that would be the best place to find him.

Geralt entered the campus, a lot of students were walking around, carrying books and quills. He stood out with his armor and swords and drew quite a lot of looks but none of the students dared to actually approach him. An older man who was also carrying books came up and told the students to go on. He seemed to be a professor. So Geralt decided to ask him.

“I’m looking for someone, the bard Jaskier, I know he used to teach here, has he been here recently?”

The professor eyed Geralt carefully.

“My name is Geralt of Rivia, I’m a friend of his”, Geralt added. The professor nodded.

“Over there is the entrance hall”, he pointed to one of the buildings, “wait there, I will send for him.”

Geralt felt immediately how his hands started to sweat and his heart took up a beat. He was really here. He would see Jaskier shortly and he was suddenly very nervous about what was going to happen. What if the bard was angry at him for following? Geralt couldn’t remember the last time he had been nervous and he was pretty sure he had never been that nervous before. With quick steps he walked in the direction the professor had indicated. In the entrance hall he found some comfortable looking chairs but Geralt didn’t feel like sitting down. He started to pace from one end to another, drawing very curious looks again. 

Jaskier had been in Oxenfurt for three months and he had finally settled in. He missed Geralt less and less. Having a daily routine that was extremely different from the times he had been with Geralt was helping a lot. At the beginning he did hate the whole thing, the quiet, the lack of adventure. It had been boring, but now he really enjoyed it. He got along fantastic with some of the other professors, his students were mostly great and liked his lectures and sometimes he was hired to play at a feast or even in a tavern and people appreciated his music more than they did in these small villages ~~,~~ they had passed. He earned a lot more money than before and maybe in another year he would even be able to buy his own place. But until then he would enjoy his nice rented room near the university.

One evening he was sitting in his room, writing. Maybe he would release a collection of his poems as a book one day. A knock at the door interrupted his work. He opened the door, the man in front of it was one of his students.

“Professor Angelli sent me, someone is waiting in the entrance hall for you. He claims he is a friend of yours. Scary looking, black armor and two swords,” the student explained. Jaskier’s eyes widened, that could only be Geralt. But why would he be here? Could it be that he was actually ready to really be with him? Could he dare to hope?

He thanked the student and sent him away. Instead of heading to the entrance hall right away, he closed the door and turned to his mirror. He knew Geralt wouldn’t care what he looked like, but he cared. His hair was a total mess and there were ink stains on his face. There was nothing to be done about the ink quickly but at least he could get his hair back into its intended position. His clothes were good enough. A bit simple, since he hadn’t planned to go out today, but he hadn’t the mind to do anything about it now. He wiped his hands on his trousers but it didn’t help a lot, they just kept sweating. On his way down to the entrance hall, he needed to remind himself ~~,~~ that he was a professor here and should not run but he walked the fastest he could without running.

When he saw Geralt, pacing through the entrance hall, he felt relieved. He had been worried that it wasn’t Geralt but now he still didn’t know why the Witcher was here. Geralt turned around and stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Jaskier. Jaskier also stopped, he felt overwhelmed by his feelings when he suddenly saw Geralt again. It had been five months since he had left. For five months, he had tried to emotionally distance himself from Geralt. And now just seeing him across the hall made all the suppressed emotions come back to him.

Geralt slowly took a few steps towards Jaskier. That snapped Jaskier out of his stupor and he now ran, no longer worrying what anyone else would think. He just leapt across the hall and threw his arms around Geralt. He was a little surprised when Geralt hugged him back. He buried his face in the Witcher’s shoulder and clung to him desperately.

They let go of each other again. Jaskier took a step back and looked at the Witcher.

“Why are you here, Geralt?”, he asked. He needed to know. But Geralt didn’t answer, he just pressed his lips together. He probably struggled, finding words or he didn’t want to say anything. Jaskier let out a sigh.

“Come, we should go to my room,” Jaskier said and took Geralt’s arm, pulling the Witcher with him. Geralt followed obediently and silently, but he moved his arm so he could grab Jaskier’s hand. Jaskier’s heart leapt but he didn’t let it show outside. Geralt was holding his hand and his mind was spinning.

The door closed behind them and Jaskier looked around to Geralt. He had sworn to give up on him five months ago, to finally move on and leave him. But the last few months had shown him that he couldn’t do it. Even though Geralt didn’t say anything, he had to try again, one more time. One more desperate attempt. Geralt taking his hand had given him a lot of confidence.

Geralt had been in love with him for so long now, but he still couldn’t say anything, after all these years. He walked up to Geralt, pushed him back against the wall and kissed him. He put everything he had in that kiss, all the love he had been feeling for seven years now. His right hand was placed on Geralt’s cheek, gently stroking his face, the left was on Geralt’s hip. The lips on his were hot and tasted so good.

Geralt was frozen for a moment but he didn’t push Jaskier away like he had done so often before. And then, Geralt moved and he kissed him back. Jaskier could barely believe it. In the gentlest way, the Witcher’s lips moved on his. And then Geralt’s arms moved, one around his shoulder, grabbing the fabric of his doublet in a strong grip, it felt desperate, the other arm around his waist, pulling him impossibly close. Jaskier’s grip also changed, his hand gripping Geralt’s hair wanting to never let go. It felt overwhelming. Until Geralt broke the kiss and slid to the ground, his back still pressed to the wall. He looked like his legs had given up and, Jaskier could barely believe his eyes, Geralt was crying.

Jaskier sat down next to him and pulled Geralt into his arms, the Witcher did not resist or try to push him away, he just grabbed Jaskier’s arm and held onto it. Geralt didn’t make a noise, no sobbing or sniffling, just quiet tears. Jaskier didn’t say anything, he just held Geralt. How hard must the Witcher have tried to suppress his feelings to now break down like that. Jaskier placed gentle kisses on the white hair and felt Geralt’s grip getting stronger.

“Everything is alright,” he whispered, cradling his hair. “I’m here and I won’t leave you. I’m here, I love you.” He placed another kiss on Geralt’s head.

He couldn’t say how much time had passed until Geralt had calmed down, it didn’t matter. The tears had stopped coming and Geralt’s body wasn’t shaking anymore. He sat up and Jaskier let go of him. They were sitting next to each other, backs leaning against the wall. Geralt still did not say anything, he stared forward into the room. But his hand found Jaskier’s and he intertwined their fingers.

“I love you,” Geralt finally said, for the first time. He said it so quietly, Jaskier nearly didn’t hear it. But finally hearing it after so many years was so overwhelming, he felt tears in his eyes.

“I know,” he whispered back.

“How long is it now, that you have been in love with me?” Geralt asked, turning his head to Jaskier, a gentle smile on his face.

“About seven years, I think,” Jaskier answered, looking at Geralt and tightening his grip on Geralt’s hand.

“And how long have I been in love with you?” Jaskier laughed a little at hearing that question. Geralt seemed honestly not to know that.

“Must be about eight years.” Jaskier explained. Geralt’s eyes widened.

“Why did you not give up for so long with all my rejections?” the Witcher asked.

Jaskier leaned his head against Geralt’s shoulder.

“Because I knew you needed me and I knew you loved me. So, I stayed as long as I could take it.”

“You are an idiot, falling in love with a Witcher, taking all these rejections and still not giving up. You deserve so much more,” Geralt said and ruffled Jaskier’s hair.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have rejected me then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this fic.   
> Especially everyone who left a comment or is going to leave one. I love you and you give me motivation to continue writing and getting better at writing and English.


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